This Week's Top 10: Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Sex Scenes
A legendary trilogy closes up shop this week with the release of 50 Shades Freed, a very silly movie about a boring guy who keeps a sex dungeon and his relationship with a woman with whom he has zero chemistry. When those books became a hit and they were subsequently adapted into movies, much was made about the level of perversion that would end up on screen. But the sex scenes in the 50 Shades movies are mostly hilarious, thanks to an overwrought tone and the aforementioned lack of spark between the two leads.
But the sturm und drang over mild butt play doesn't hold a candle to the unintentionally hilarious sex all-stars below. This week's Up All Afternoon Top 10 is devoted to those very scenes. Don't watch them with your parents.
10. Neo and Trinity have rave sex (The Matrix Reloaded)
I can't remember for sure, but I don't think anybody was really rooting for these two to hook up after watching the first Matrix movie. But their coupling is treated like an epic event made all the more ridiculous by the cross-cutting between their dispassionate boning and the dull rave happening in Zion. It's one of the many scenes in the Matrix sequels that make you think, "Maybe the machines should win?"
9. Stallone gets a nude call, then wears an erotic helmet (Demolition Man)
When Sylvester Stallone's John Spartan wakes up in the future, life is totally different and crazy. He can't curse! He isn't allowed to drive! He can only eat at Taco Bell! But the weirdest shift comes when Sandra Bullock's Lenina Huxley invites him to have sex, only to put a weird helmet on him that flashes images from a no-budget Nine Inch Nails-looking music video that is supposed to give him a boner? Bonus points for the random bit of nudity that shows up just before this scene, when a topless woman accidentally calls Spartan on the video phone.
8. Javier Bardem narrates Cameron Diaz humping a car (The Counselor)
Poor Cameron Diaz has made some questionable career choices, but she does not deserve to have her genitalia compared to a catfish while she channels Tawny Kitaen in Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video.
7. Most all of the sex in Showgirls, but particularly that pool scene (Showgirls)
Showgirls is a perfect movie in the sense that every single time somebody made a decision, from casting to catering, that person made the wrong decision. Nobody has ever made a movie where everything is wrong before, but Showgirls nailed it! All the sex is odd and off-putting, but the scene where Kyle MacLachlan humps Jessie from Saved by the Bell in a swimming pool is particularly goofy.
6. Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis & "Take My Breath Away" (Top Gun)
A lot of people talk about this as one of the definitive bits of '80s erotica. Those people are wrong.
5. Idris Elba & Kate Winslet interrupt their desperate survival campaign to bone (The Mountain Between Us)
The Mountain Between Us is not a good movie, but it does star two incredibly talented and charismatic people who are absolutely trying their best. But not even the tag-team of Elba and Winslet can overcome the scene where they forget they're both dying of hypothermia (and Winslet almost certainly has gangrene) for a romp in a tent.
4. Madonna drips candle wax on Willem Dafoe (Body of Evidence)
It's supposed to be the cornerstone scene of a particularly bonkers erotic thriller, but everybody involved in the scene seems more confused and disappointed than turned on. And this is insane to think considering Madonna also made the hall of fame horny "Take a Bow" video shortly after this movie came out, but she's deeply unsexy in Body of Evidence—every line sounds like she's an altar boy who heard the term "blowjob" but cannot fathom exactly what it is (does it involve a vacuum cleaner?).
3. Adrien Brody builds a weird alien woman in a lab and then has sex with it (Splice)
There's a scene in Jason Goes to Hell that acts as the inciting incident for the whole film where we're led to believe that the recently-deceased Jason Voorhees' heart is so intoxicating that the coroner handling his autopsy would be driven to take a bite out of it. It is not convincing. Adrien Brody getting the urge to bang a creature he mixed up in a lab and has treated like a child for the bulk of the running time is even less convincing (and also creepy, and also pretty damn hilarious).
2. Giant blue alien dreadlock sex (Avatar)
Does anybody remember this dumb movie, even though it made all the money? Linking via digital hair extensions is probably how James Cameron wishes sex happened. Like everything in Avatar, this scene is treated like it is transcendent but is actually silly as hell.
1. Night Owl & Silk Spectre bang to Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” (Watchmen)
Anybody having sex to Leonard Cohen's ode to minor miracles would feel off, but when you add two costumed superheroes plus the heavy hand of Zack Snyder, you get the most gut-busting scene in any movie in 2009.
The goofiest scene in any of the 50 Shades movies has nothing to do with whips or leather. Rather, it's Ana channeling Captain Phillips while Taylor Swift swells on the soundtrack. It's dumb!